12 Steps of spiritual growth for all of us – Step 5
“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Basically after completing our moral inventory of step 4 of the 12-step program the program strongly recommends that we now share the content of that step with another person. Our first thought might be that the only possible purpose of doing this is to ask for forgiveness and to be assigned an appropriate penance. In certain religious traditions this might be the case. The 12-step program of spiritual growth may be unique in not suggesting or requiring that one ask for forgiveness. In the 12 tradition of the AA program it is stated very clearly that: “The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.” We can easily substitute our particular impediments to being the best that we can be. As previously mentioned that can be shame, an addiction to a substance, power, sex or some other person, place or thing, or some other “reason” we have internalized for deciding we are unworthy.
Many individual do not do the 5th step because they continue to hold on to the belief that they are worse then or their behaviors have been worse then or are more shameful then that of others and, thus, are unforgivable. It is as if many of we humans have this excel spread sheet on which we detail the list of possible ways we hurt ourselves, others and mother earth and have assigned a point value to each deed. The excel program, once we enter the daily data for all of us, will add up the points and gives us our shame or sin score.
This is not the purpose of the 5th step. The basic purpose of the 5th step is to find out that we can be loved – that we are not more than or less than anyone else. Although in later steps it will be recommended that we make amends when it would not cause further harm, it is only through acceptance of our equal humanness that we are able to move forward.
The early Greeks, including Plato stated very clearly that it was important to “know thyself”. In fact nearly every important philosopher or spiritual teacher has made the same recommendations.
We cannot accept ourselves without knowing ourselves. When we cannot accept ourselves we cannot allow others close to us. When we cannot allow others close we cannot love others.
Recently I was listening again to an interview with Matthew Sanford, the yoga teacher who has been paralyzed and in a wheelchair since age 13. He says” When our mind separates from our body we become more destructive. The more aware of our body we are the more compassionate we are able to be.” Mr. Sanford is often teaching/inviting individuals who have been gravely injured, and perhaps paralyzed, that healing involves facing one’s trauma(s) and accepting one’s body without allowing the disability to define one (my wording). Much of Mr. Sanford’s strength and thus ability derives from listening carefully to his body – his pain as well as the “silence” and the “sounds” with which his body communicates to him. He is not shameful of his body, but he also does not pretend as if it is different than it is. Once, following the accident, which left him paralyzed, he broke his leg while doing yoga because he was not listening to and accepting his body.
Knowing ourselves and accepting ourselves does not mean we need to be shameful. We may indeed be remorseful when we realize how badly we humans can hurt each other. If we have had a serious illness, which affected our thought and, thus, our decision-making ability, such as addiction, we may have been very cruel. We could have been traumatized in other ways and thereby become disconnected from our body. We may have thought that by attempting to run away from the knowledge about our human ability to be so hurtful or to engage in behavior, which is not otherwise consistent with our values, we could endure or survive this life journey more effectively. Sadly, the opposite happens. The more we run from ourselves the more we distance ourselves and the more we are likely to project the judgment of ourselves onto others. This often results in being cruel to ourselves and to others.
When we do a thorough moral inventory and we share it with another who understands the purpose of the 5th step, we find a “welcome home” embrace. The most common reaction of the person with whom one is sharing is, “is that all? Oh! Okay!” I have known and worked with/for individuals who have returned to addictions or other harmful behavior because they decided that their “sin” was too embarrassing or shameful to share. Some, out of desperation, finally shared their secret “sin”. People have shared with me sexual behavior, which was not consistent with their values, multiples abortions, or even murder. My response is always the same, “Welcome home.” This means for me, “Welcome home to the human race. We all know that we humans are capable of enormous cruelty, especially when we do not have any self love or self respect.” We know that we cannot love others who are but a reflection of us until we first love ourselves.
I use the phase welcome home because it symbolizes what all of we humans want no matter how often we have told ourselves that we don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval.
When that fellow Jesus met up with Judas, the tax collector or the prostitute, he did not question or chide them. He opened his arms, gave them a kiss and directly or indirectly said, “Welcome home”. If we carefully choose the person with whom we are going to share our deepest secrets they are going to say, “welcome home”.
I have previously shared the story of Father Pat and Mary. Mary was nearing the end of her life journey. She had been raised Catholic and belonged to the parish which included the area where my home office was. Mary was not then living in that parish. Mary had also not been to church in a very long time and was not even sure she believed in God. Still, a part of her wanted to have a Catholic funeral in the church in which she had grown up. Fortunately, I knew the current senior priest at that Church and suggested that Mary go see him and just tell him what she had told me. She called, made an appointment and told him what she had told me about her doubts and wishes. He simply said to her, “Welcome home Mary.” That was the response I expected him to give but it still brought tears to my eyes. In less than a week I was attending the funeral of Mary in that church. Officiating was Father Pat.
The purpose of the 5th step is to welcomes ourselves home to the human race and to accept the welcome home of one other person. This will lead to us being welcomed by many and being welcoming to many.
“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Basically after completing our moral inventory of step 4 of the 12-step program the program strongly recommends that we now share the content of that step with another person. Our first thought might be that the only possible purpose of doing this is to ask for forgiveness and to be assigned an appropriate penance. In certain religious traditions this might be the case. The 12-step program of spiritual growth may be unique in not suggesting or requiring that one ask for forgiveness. In the 12 tradition of the AA program it is stated very clearly that: “The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.” We can easily substitute our particular impediments to being the best that we can be. As previously mentioned that can be shame, an addiction to a substance, power, sex or some other person, place or thing, or some other “reason” we have internalized for deciding we are unworthy.
Many individual do not do the 5th step because they continue to hold on to the belief that they are worse then or their behaviors have been worse then or are more shameful then that of others and, thus, are unforgivable. It is as if many of we humans have this excel spread sheet on which we detail the list of possible ways we hurt ourselves, others and mother earth and have assigned a point value to each deed. The excel program, once we enter the daily data for all of us, will add up the points and gives us our shame or sin score.
This is not the purpose of the 5th step. The basic purpose of the 5th step is to find out that we can be loved – that we are not more than or less than anyone else. Although in later steps it will be recommended that we make amends when it would not cause further harm, it is only through acceptance of our equal humanness that we are able to move forward.
The early Greeks, including Plato stated very clearly that it was important to “know thyself”. In fact nearly every important philosopher or spiritual teacher has made the same recommendations.
We cannot accept ourselves without knowing ourselves. When we cannot accept ourselves we cannot allow others close to us. When we cannot allow others close we cannot love others.
Recently I was listening again to an interview with Matthew Sanford, the yoga teacher who has been paralyzed and in a wheelchair since age 13. He says” When our mind separates from our body we become more destructive. The more aware of our body we are the more compassionate we are able to be.” Mr. Sanford is often teaching/inviting individuals who have been gravely injured, and perhaps paralyzed, that healing involves facing one’s trauma(s) and accepting one’s body without allowing the disability to define one (my wording). Much of Mr. Sanford’s strength and thus ability derives from listening carefully to his body – his pain as well as the “silence” and the “sounds” with which his body communicates to him. He is not shameful of his body, but he also does not pretend as if it is different than it is. Once, following the accident, which left him paralyzed, he broke his leg while doing yoga because he was not listening to and accepting his body.
Knowing ourselves and accepting ourselves does not mean we need to be shameful. We may indeed be remorseful when we realize how badly we humans can hurt each other. If we have had a serious illness, which affected our thought and, thus, our decision-making ability, such as addiction, we may have been very cruel. We could have been traumatized in other ways and thereby become disconnected from our body. We may have thought that by attempting to run away from the knowledge about our human ability to be so hurtful or to engage in behavior, which is not otherwise consistent with our values, we could endure or survive this life journey more effectively. Sadly, the opposite happens. The more we run from ourselves the more we distance ourselves and the more we are likely to project the judgment of ourselves onto others. This often results in being cruel to ourselves and to others.
When we do a thorough moral inventory and we share it with another who understands the purpose of the 5th step, we find a “welcome home” embrace. The most common reaction of the person with whom one is sharing is, “is that all? Oh! Okay!” I have known and worked with/for individuals who have returned to addictions or other harmful behavior because they decided that their “sin” was too embarrassing or shameful to share. Some, out of desperation, finally shared their secret “sin”. People have shared with me sexual behavior, which was not consistent with their values, multiples abortions, or even murder. My response is always the same, “Welcome home.” This means for me, “Welcome home to the human race. We all know that we humans are capable of enormous cruelty, especially when we do not have any self love or self respect.” We know that we cannot love others who are but a reflection of us until we first love ourselves.
I use the phase welcome home because it symbolizes what all of we humans want no matter how often we have told ourselves that we don’t need anyone’s acceptance or approval.
When that fellow Jesus met up with Judas, the tax collector or the prostitute, he did not question or chide them. He opened his arms, gave them a kiss and directly or indirectly said, “Welcome home”. If we carefully choose the person with whom we are going to share our deepest secrets they are going to say, “welcome home”.
I have previously shared the story of Father Pat and Mary. Mary was nearing the end of her life journey. She had been raised Catholic and belonged to the parish which included the area where my home office was. Mary was not then living in that parish. Mary had also not been to church in a very long time and was not even sure she believed in God. Still, a part of her wanted to have a Catholic funeral in the church in which she had grown up. Fortunately, I knew the current senior priest at that Church and suggested that Mary go see him and just tell him what she had told me. She called, made an appointment and told him what she had told me about her doubts and wishes. He simply said to her, “Welcome home Mary.” That was the response I expected him to give but it still brought tears to my eyes. In less than a week I was attending the funeral of Mary in that church. Officiating was Father Pat.
The purpose of the 5th step is to welcomes ourselves home to the human race and to accept the welcome home of one other person. This will lead to us being welcomed by many and being welcoming to many.
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